Yoga

Today I took a yoga class. It was great to be back in it. Everything was going along well until one of the last poses. The instructor told us to release everything. Release what was holding us back. In that moment and for the next several I wanted to cry. I tried recognizing what it was but all I could think of was the pain my mother has bestowed upon me. I kept searching to try and find it, but then a small voice whispered on my mind " you can continue to mourn it, or you can let it go". I'm not sure what I let go but I decided to go through and release what ever it was

Just for you

I wish there was a way to tell you the truth. See the thing is it was never easier the longer I stayed away from you. Moving on didn't just happen for me. No, you see I had to actively stop myself from trying to reach you just one last time in hopes that maybe this time you might just reply. However time passed and all I can do was deal with the regret that Hung over my head. I couldn't let go but holding on was like poison.
I would see you randomly. Usually when I had started to forget. I would see you in a movie, or I would see you in our favorite show we use to watch on your couch. And every time I thought of your couch I thought of our laughs together. I thought of the time I sat there and told you things no one knew and tears formed in your eyes. Or even the time I sat there and watched you make me a snack in the middle of the night.
You were always an open door to me, and I was closed and guarded. You were compassion and I was distance. You were warmth and I was a cold tease to scared to lose you but more afraid to commit. Commit to something that could have been beautiful, yet my fear of intimacy got in the way. Would it have been as precious as my haunting dreams would lead me to believe? Who can say? All I know is that the moment you walked back in my life my heart fluttered alive again.
Emotions of joy and love filled my heart, yet the confusion and insecurity left me spinning. Could this be a second chance? No of course not. I couldn't deserve such joy. However your lingering presence leaves me with hope. This hope though is frightful. I want to push it away for it cannot be real. I know that it would only bring me down. I know you've moved on and can find nothing left to desire in me. And the distance. Oh how the distance plays to be our enemy. All I can do is enjoy the beauty of our renewed friendship and hope that I can witness first hand your found happiness in another. Forever my love I send to you.

missing you tonight

Every time you cross my mind my heart fills with regret. I think about the good times, and I think of the times that I could have had a shot at something beautiful. Now don't get me wrong. I truly believe that our lives unfold in a certain way for some reason or another. Yet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I could have a second shot. You saw me at so many lows and very little highs. I never wanted you to be part of the highs for fear that you would want more. For fear that I would want it too. Letting you slip through my fingers is my life's biggest regret. I miss you and wish there was another chance for something more. Yet I know that there is no going back now. All I can do is just enjoy the little bit of friendship I have left with you.