landing in New Orleans

So yesterday I got on the plane in LA and after fighting so hard to fall asleep and failing I woke up in New Orleans this morning. We have been fighting against the enemy since we arrived at the airport last night. One of the girls had to stay behind because she didn't have and id. One of our guys thought he lost his id after going through security. Then our plane was delayed. And in all of this we still couldn't wait to get going. We got on the plane and landed in New Orleans this morning at 7 am. We left for breakfast after grabbing our bags and sat there for quit a bit of time waiting for things at the hotel to clear up. We arrived at the hotel thinking that it would be just moments until we would be laying our heads on a soft pillow for the first time in 24 hours. It's been and hour and half and we are still waiting to be checked into our rooms. Everyone has been struggling to keep their best attitude, especially me. It has been driving me nuts and I have wanted to just scream. Luckily I have been able to contain myself and hopefully hide the strain this is all putting on me. I know that this is a major attack from the enemy. He's trying to get a rise out of all of us and see how far he can mess with this trip. Please keep praying for us. We haven't even been gone a day yet and we are being tested.
On the other hand New Orleans is such a strange place. It's so different already from anything that I have ever experienced. People have southern draws and call you baby. I feel so vulnerable in a place where I don't know where anything is. I have to depend solely on the leaders of the trip. This is definitely testing my control issues. I know the Lord is going to be doing something here. If the enemy is already trying to fight us then it must be something big. What though I can't even begin to imagine.

New Orleans...

So today is the day. Tonight I will be heading down to the airport to jump on a plane that will take me to New Orleans. I can say that I am super excited, but I cannot exclude my nervous feelings. The Lord has put it on my heart to go on this trip although the closer I get to it the more I cannot understand why he is calling me to be in this city at this particular time. It's a bit overwhelming to think that the God of the universe is going to use me in some way to advance his kingdom. Me? The sinner and barely saved Christian that I am is going to help bring people to Christ? Is anyone else hearing this? Doesn't anyone else know that there are a million more qualified than I am? It's hard to believe that this amazing God is going to use someone like me to bring his love and hope into the lives of those who have undergone so much pain and sorrow.That I would be of value to help those who have gone through more than I could ever imagine and have been under far more oppression than I would ever want to believe possible. How will I be able to make a difference in these people's life? Now I am not second guessing God's abilities, that would be dumb. I guess I have yet to see how my life can help other people. I just feel way that I am in way over my head. So with all of this I ask that you be praying. Pray that I allow myself to be used as his tool for the places we go and the people I meet. Pray for our protection against the enemy. Please pray that we are all awakened by this trip and come back changed. Thank you in advance for your prayers and I can't wait to talk to you all when I get back.

the past that pushes us forward

It's been weeks since I've last seen you
life has moved on and things have changed and it began to show
at first it was so forced trying to catch up
and at one point something broke
everything came back
life began to fit back together and somehow things began to seem so easy
as if we picked  up where we had left off
why has it always been so easy for you to come back into my life?
but that's not where you meant to take it
my youth intimidates you and you pray that I receive more
more from someone that can truly love me and be faithful
oh how funny you are
if only you knew I would have spent forever with you
but forever knew better
and knew that we were not meant to be
so why must we continue to pretend if only for a moment that everything seems perfect
we can never fully be with one another
somehow i can seem to share who i am with you
i continue to deny my past every time that it comes up
i guess that's the part of me that knows that you are not the one for me
we are better as friends
oh how I pray that we both find our true lovers
so that we may fully understand that there is hope somewhere else
oh how i love that we can be there for one another as we continue to grow
grow in our faith and in our life
and process the things that come our way.
now i fully understand why we will never be
you were never made to be the one for me
i've taken the good of you and searched for you in others

searching and trusting in the process

Today I feel crummy.
My body feels heavy and I just want to drop
I have tried sleeping it off, but somehow I can't even sleep
I just feel like dropping.
It doesn't help that my heart is out of whack too
I don't know what I am currently doing
after getting bitter I decided not to date, but i had already started the process with someone
the only thing was that i was mad at them
now it is almost impossible to go back because I have people holding me to my word
but then again I don't even know what is going on with this person
I hate not having clarity
I truly am not the type to just go with the flow
i want to know so if you are not for me then I can let you go and move on with my life
but I guess that's me just trying to always be in control
I'm just eager to find my husband
does that vibe come off?
do people know when you are just browsing for your husband?
if so I have a lot to work on
I don't even know what it is about this guy
He's not the typical guy that I would go for
and now thinking about it I think my mom cursed him for me because she says he reminds her of her ex
great maybe that's where all of a sudden i don't trust him has come from
anyway he's a nice guy but i must be getting ahead of myself
because what do I really know about this guy?
I know we go to school together and that he has a past, but that of his character I do not know
is he honest? loyal? is he someone that i can trust? what am I trying to get myself into?
another heartache?
how do i know that he doesn't have a hidden agenda?
as you can tell I have major trust issues
I don't know how to begin a new relationship
why must it always take me so long to trust people?
there must be a simpler way...

power..

this weekend has brought about a lot of clarity
there are things in life that are done for the greater good
and then there are things that are done out of control
it's a fine line to walk when you are the one that holds the power
there are pro's and con's to every decision that we make
and its  a fine line to walk when you are the one at the bottom being affected by them
you should always respect the higher authority
but higher authority is not always correct
sometimes you need to bend and break away from the norms that you are called to follow
because the norms have been created for the personal benefit of someone rather than the good of people as a whole
i would be the first to say that it is probably best to follow the laws and government set in place
but there comes a time when you have to stand up for what is right
if we just bowed down to everything that had some kind of power  90% of the world's population would have been taken out years ago when Hitlor was in power
to those who have power remember what the word truly means you have authority and influence and yes power over other people
that can be a great thing
or it can be the most dangerous thing in the world
choose your power wisely

goodbye childhood

So in a matter of hours i will soon turn 21. In our culture today 21 is a big birthday to celebrate because that's the last milestone you look forward to. it is the legalization of being able to drink, which is the last hindrance into adulthood. From here on out that is it I am an adult. There is no more just "oh she's young she still has time to learn" but rather this is the time that i need to be learning and figuring these things out. Yea I cold probably get away with still having a child's heart, but that's it. It is such a weird concept to fully grasp. I am now becoming an adult. My life is changing and reality is starting to hit. The things I always imagined that I would some day get to are soon to be the days that I am going to need to start getting around to them. I never thought that I would be the kind of person to freak out as I aged, but here I am so blown away by this concept of growing older. With age comes wisdom and wisdom is something that I am so desperately seeking, but i guess I just always saw everyone else getting older as I stayed the same. Almost as if there was no sense in aging for myself that it was just the world around me. Now I am realizing that I am growing older right along with the world. I guess I always saw people who were older than me as a lot older even if they were a couple years older. Mainly because I thought you had to be at a certain level or look a certain way to be their age or anywhere near it. As I write this I realize how dumb that sounds, and yet those were my exact thoughts. Age is such a crazy concept. It's probably not as complicated as I am making it out to be, but still there is just a strange feeling. Goodbye childhood hello adulthood. I guess I really should have listened to people when they told me to enjoy  my youth because it really does go by faster than you can even realize.

today i promise

I miss you today, and i don't understand why
I don't know if I miss you or the idea of you
there was a lot that you were there for in such a short amount of time.
I know that I did what was right so why do these longing feelings come?
I just want to continue to press on and move on to who ever the future puts in my life
but how can I move forward when I have sunk with the feeling of missing you
in such a short amount of time I saw a future with you, and yet it was ripped away from my thoughts so quickly now i just sit here just wondering where it all went
i know you couldn't have been the one for me, but it was nice to dream
nice while it lasted anyways
wish you were still around for the time being but time is moving and i need to too
I don't think that I have been emotionally stable in this area, and so from today til the end of the semester I refuse to date. I am making this declaration today, this promise to myself and who ever is in the future for me that I will not date as this time period is crucial as I am cleaning out the junk of my life. Lord give me strength because it will not be easy and i know there will be temptation. I pray against it right now that there is no temptation and that I focus on you and healing from the past.

focus or lack there of

today my mind is having trouble focusing
what is it that continues to consume my mind?
something that I am not sure that should be.
i almost feel pathetic for desiring such things
what can it be that keeps me so intrigued?
oh how my mind has continued to wander and get off topic
this homework doesn't help either
who wants to focus on dry reading for your least favorite class when you can daydream the day away
oh Lord fill me toay as I surrender it to you

scattered beauty

My mind has become consumed with so many thoughts these past few weeks.
I feel almost like I have no control over them.
My mind has focused on certain thoughts that have been contradictory to where I should be.
People tell me that I am to hard on myself, but really if its not me then who?
Who is going to hold me accountable to the things that I need to be accountable to.
There have been many questions on my mind, and I have been searching for an answer yet I still come up short.
Where am I going and what will I do are questions that I cannot answer, but there are other such questions that i am trying to answer. Like is this really a good idea to find interest that I hardly know? and why is it that I am seeking to spend more and more time with them?
What is it that continues to push me too fast into something, and what are the things that hold me back?
Why can't life have a happy medium with desires and the things that are healthy for us?
Where do I even begin to find that medium?
I know that the answer is in God, but how do you deal when you are forced to wait and you don't get an answer?
How long will that be enough?
What can I do, besides sit and wait to be steered?
How are you going to ask me to just be steered?
I don't know if you know this yet, I like to lead.
Its just my personality.
I just want to give this all away, and just slip into the beauty of the day.
can someone just sit with me and just absorb the beauty that sits before us?
Oh how I cannot wait til the day that my companion comes along that we might soak in the beauty that has been wrapped up with a pretty bow and given to us to enjoy.
can we just take a moment and watch the beauty of the earth
the beauty that was created to be enjoyed
May we just take a moment and sit back and slow this hectic life that we have been forced to run?
oh why can't we just take a stroll in the park, sit on the beach enjoy the sunset or be free in the beauty
I just want to sit and absorb the beauty of the people of this world.
why can't that be a career?
I can't really create beauty, but what a joy just to soak it in
There is a piece of my soul that simply want to just sit here and watch the world radiate with its beauty
someone take me on a stroll
let us sit on the beach
let us sail into the colors of the sky
let us talk the day away and share a comfort in the beauty that has been so generously given to us