searching and trusting in the process

Today I feel crummy.
My body feels heavy and I just want to drop
I have tried sleeping it off, but somehow I can't even sleep
I just feel like dropping.
It doesn't help that my heart is out of whack too
I don't know what I am currently doing
after getting bitter I decided not to date, but i had already started the process with someone
the only thing was that i was mad at them
now it is almost impossible to go back because I have people holding me to my word
but then again I don't even know what is going on with this person
I hate not having clarity
I truly am not the type to just go with the flow
i want to know so if you are not for me then I can let you go and move on with my life
but I guess that's me just trying to always be in control
I'm just eager to find my husband
does that vibe come off?
do people know when you are just browsing for your husband?
if so I have a lot to work on
I don't even know what it is about this guy
He's not the typical guy that I would go for
and now thinking about it I think my mom cursed him for me because she says he reminds her of her ex
great maybe that's where all of a sudden i don't trust him has come from
anyway he's a nice guy but i must be getting ahead of myself
because what do I really know about this guy?
I know we go to school together and that he has a past, but that of his character I do not know
is he honest? loyal? is he someone that i can trust? what am I trying to get myself into?
another heartache?
how do i know that he doesn't have a hidden agenda?
as you can tell I have major trust issues
I don't know how to begin a new relationship
why must it always take me so long to trust people?
there must be a simpler way...