weighing the pros and cons

Lord help me! If I was a confused human being then I would like to know what is the point beyond confused because currently where I reside. Moving out to Denver was all about growing up and becoming my own person, as well as getting away from my mother who has always held some magical power over me. Having left California I have learned a plethora of life lessons. It seems to me that this is exactly where I needed to be. Yet at the present moment I am at the point of wondering if this was a mistake. Not necessarily a full blown mistake as in I regret my presence in this town, but more of the amount of time that I committed to. For about three weeks now offers have come in from every angle to come home.
I passed them by mainly because of Antonio, the boyfriend of the time, and yet now I am unsure of whether it is an entirely terrible idea. I have no support system here. Last night I locked my keys in my car and as these two strangers attempted to open my car for me I realized that if it didn't work then I literally had no place to go. I had no way of entering my house. No spare. And no one seemed to be answering their phones. I couldn't bare it. A brief thought passed my mind as I realized if I was back home then I would at least have my dad to try and if not take me home to where it was warm and we could deal with it in the morning.
What terrifies me about this idea is that I don't want to feel like I am running. Antonio and I just recently broke up and I don't want it to be because of him that I run home. I was talking to my friend Cory after we had successfully retrieved my keys, and he was the first person to question my next step into film school. I think primarily because everyone else has given up on me as far as just picking something to study. He gave the truth that I needed to hear and told me to truly weigh out the pros and cons.
So lets do it:
Pros:
1. Family Support
2. a little more friend support
3. the comfort of home and the familiar
4. no bills or rent
5. Stability to truly get on my feet.
6. Being close to my family during these medical tribulations

Cons:
1. My independence is somewhat lost moving in with my parents
2. The growth and self-discovery that I have gone through here would come to a hault
3. The feeling of running away
4. Uncertainty of what could have been if i stayed.

The other day I made a pros and cons list and and it was drastically reversed. Not sure if this is a momentary feeling or if this is accurate as it stands.
My heart weighs heavy for I know not what to do.

Yoga

Today I took a yoga class. It was great to be back in it. Everything was going along well until one of the last poses. The instructor told us to release everything. Release what was holding us back. In that moment and for the next several I wanted to cry. I tried recognizing what it was but all I could think of was the pain my mother has bestowed upon me. I kept searching to try and find it, but then a small voice whispered on my mind " you can continue to mourn it, or you can let it go". I'm not sure what I let go but I decided to go through and release what ever it was

Just for you

I wish there was a way to tell you the truth. See the thing is it was never easier the longer I stayed away from you. Moving on didn't just happen for me. No, you see I had to actively stop myself from trying to reach you just one last time in hopes that maybe this time you might just reply. However time passed and all I can do was deal with the regret that Hung over my head. I couldn't let go but holding on was like poison.
I would see you randomly. Usually when I had started to forget. I would see you in a movie, or I would see you in our favorite show we use to watch on your couch. And every time I thought of your couch I thought of our laughs together. I thought of the time I sat there and told you things no one knew and tears formed in your eyes. Or even the time I sat there and watched you make me a snack in the middle of the night.
You were always an open door to me, and I was closed and guarded. You were compassion and I was distance. You were warmth and I was a cold tease to scared to lose you but more afraid to commit. Commit to something that could have been beautiful, yet my fear of intimacy got in the way. Would it have been as precious as my haunting dreams would lead me to believe? Who can say? All I know is that the moment you walked back in my life my heart fluttered alive again.
Emotions of joy and love filled my heart, yet the confusion and insecurity left me spinning. Could this be a second chance? No of course not. I couldn't deserve such joy. However your lingering presence leaves me with hope. This hope though is frightful. I want to push it away for it cannot be real. I know that it would only bring me down. I know you've moved on and can find nothing left to desire in me. And the distance. Oh how the distance plays to be our enemy. All I can do is enjoy the beauty of our renewed friendship and hope that I can witness first hand your found happiness in another. Forever my love I send to you.

missing you tonight

Every time you cross my mind my heart fills with regret. I think about the good times, and I think of the times that I could have had a shot at something beautiful. Now don't get me wrong. I truly believe that our lives unfold in a certain way for some reason or another. Yet I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I could have a second shot. You saw me at so many lows and very little highs. I never wanted you to be part of the highs for fear that you would want more. For fear that I would want it too. Letting you slip through my fingers is my life's biggest regret. I miss you and wish there was another chance for something more. Yet I know that there is no going back now. All I can do is just enjoy the little bit of friendship I have left with you.

We accept the love we think we deserve

The other day I came across the quote in the title. I thought it a little strange but mainly alluring. When I thought about it more I was able to see how that could be true. Today I believe it to be fact.

In some way or another I have willing walked into, and with out consciously knowing it, agreed to an open relationship. There has never my any means been any labels placed nor has it ever been discussed. How can this be so you might ask? Simple. I continue to come around when the guy who says "he's not in the right place for a relationship" calls and asks me to come over.

I pointed out a truth to my friend the other day as she wondered how her similar situation came about. She had put off sleeping with this new guy and even after knowing he "wasn't ready" proceeded to sleep with him. A week later he has yet to call. "How did this happen" she asked.  I looked at her and responded with as much love and honesty as I could, "you wanted intimacy and he wanted sex." He got what he wanted and she got what she wanted even if it was only this one time. When we are in the middle of being wooed and swept off our feet it is hard to see how any guy could easily walk away when it is all said and done. Don't they feel the deep connection that we felt when our bodies intertwined and became one? How do they blow it off so easily? I wish I had the answer.

So back to this intriguing quote of accepting what we think we deserve, how is it that so many women have managed to happily waltz right into an incredible disaster we so desperately want to call a relationship? Is that the problem, are guys able to read that we are so desperate for some type of intimacy that we are willing to play by their rules? When did society shift and we begin to worship the male ego rather than the beauty of all that is female? At some point in time men have gained all the control and here we as women have been laying at their feet waiting for master to give us the next command. How would she in all of her glory of everything beautiful gain her respect and control back?

Now I know that it is not all the females populations fault. Men have significantly changed in the course of time as well. Instead of mutually wanting to please their partner they have gained the mindset of how can a partner please them. And if that's not enough how many of those females that catch their eye can they take home with them?

So lets try to find the issue. Why do women today believe they deserve nothing more than some of the worst guys out there. Let's take my mother for example. She is gorgeous. Now I know most people would say that about their mom because it's their mom, but my mom is the kind of mom you never brought around boyfriends and guy friends because they all had the same initial reaction, "your mom is so hot!" Yea I know thanks for rubbing it in. Anyway she has gone through two failed marriages to guys who treated her less than sub par when they were together, as well as the boyfriends that came after. As I have gotten older my frustration has grown because I see my mom and I know what she deserves. Not just from a child perspective but from a critical one. I have seen more than my fair share of the good, bad and ugly and still can objectively say she deserves a lot. She is an incredibly strong woman who has gone through heck and back and at the end of the day she is still trying and still striving for something more. However, the guys she dates are nothing to write home about. It is the same guy she dated twenty-two years ago when she dated and married my dad just different body. Now don't get me wrong I love my dad and he is not the person he used to be. They were children when they had me and have long since grown up, but mom still goes after the same type of man. Having said all of that my question is why do women allow themselves to continue on this path of letting history repeat itself? What is so ingrained in our heads that we subconsciously tell ourselves that this is as good as it can ever get because I don't deserve someone better? Why do we continue to keep ourselves in our own emotional prison going back and forth to the same thing? How on earth can we ever break free from this? And then please someone tell me how kill the fear when someone good comes along? Instead of pushing away that nice guy because we think that they have something to hide and are afraid of getting hurt, how do we begin to trust again? How do we let ourselves open up freely to what we truly deserve rather than what we think we deserve?

The most complicated aspect of young adulthood...dating

We as females are all secretly hoping that our own version of a knight in shinning armor will come at, well let's face it, the moment that we want it most. Because if we were honest with ourselves we would admit that we all want our own fairy tale ending that would be a perfect match to who we are and the life we would like to live. There is a slight problem in this though...dating is hard. Who really enjoys putting themselves out there time and time again only to realize that it wasba waste of time. Now don't get me wrong I believe there is a lesson in it all, but we are looking so we can be done searching. It can be such an awkward and trying time, and when you are looking the only options are the awkward and clingy, apparently it is too much to ask for a decent guy who is doing something with his life. Oh and please don't get me started on everyone's favorite pity quotes "stop looking and he will come to you." Please no one ever really stops looking. It is just a difficult and unnerving situation to be in. Oh prince charming where are you? I am wanting to bring down the standards. Hurry to me soon.
Love
Your impatient princess

landing in New Orleans

So yesterday I got on the plane in LA and after fighting so hard to fall asleep and failing I woke up in New Orleans this morning. We have been fighting against the enemy since we arrived at the airport last night. One of the girls had to stay behind because she didn't have and id. One of our guys thought he lost his id after going through security. Then our plane was delayed. And in all of this we still couldn't wait to get going. We got on the plane and landed in New Orleans this morning at 7 am. We left for breakfast after grabbing our bags and sat there for quit a bit of time waiting for things at the hotel to clear up. We arrived at the hotel thinking that it would be just moments until we would be laying our heads on a soft pillow for the first time in 24 hours. It's been and hour and half and we are still waiting to be checked into our rooms. Everyone has been struggling to keep their best attitude, especially me. It has been driving me nuts and I have wanted to just scream. Luckily I have been able to contain myself and hopefully hide the strain this is all putting on me. I know that this is a major attack from the enemy. He's trying to get a rise out of all of us and see how far he can mess with this trip. Please keep praying for us. We haven't even been gone a day yet and we are being tested.
On the other hand New Orleans is such a strange place. It's so different already from anything that I have ever experienced. People have southern draws and call you baby. I feel so vulnerable in a place where I don't know where anything is. I have to depend solely on the leaders of the trip. This is definitely testing my control issues. I know the Lord is going to be doing something here. If the enemy is already trying to fight us then it must be something big. What though I can't even begin to imagine.